When the system freezes.

You know, tonight, a strange thing occured.

Usually i have a fairly good flow in both the logical and emotional layers in my personality these days.

They don´t fight or bother eachoter much. It runs smoothly in respectful collabration driven by care and wise choices. I like myself. Trust myself.

Experience, maturing, truthful living, a careful and restrictive emotional diet and loads of therapy does that to a person.

Creating a balanced and calm life.

But not tonight. Somehow i accidentally steered of the road and started worrying about if it´s a healthy thing living in solitude, if i should worry about my finances, if i´m on the right path in life or should take a 180 degree U-turn into another scenario-plan.

And i reflected on how it would be like involving or getting close to another person again.

Love-style.

Shit. I froze. I didn´t get sad or depressed. Just… cathatonic.

How would i do that? What would happen? What would it cost me? Do i want to?

And i suddenly felt a huge NO bubbling up from inside. No one gets into this fortress, was my spontanious and truthful reaction.

Remembering the damaged done by others bombing my inner rooms to ashes, i suddenly just felt an urge to stop thinking about it and crawl into the cosy warmth of my creative work and calm everyday life with my closest friends and my daughter.