I use these blogs to reflect on issues happening in my life.
Like the one before this. From yesterday. The phenomena described in it, has happened to me at lot of times, with different people over the years but the feeling and situation has been the same.
I had to break it down in smaller parts, watch it, and descide how i´d relate to the fact of it beeing there.
So i blog it. Summed all events of it down in one text about it, slightly accentuated för clarity, but not directed at anyone special. Not for anyone to “get the hint” of.
It´s just for me.
I nail it to the wall with words. Telling myself how i feel about it. How i experienced it.
If it felt good or bad, and if bad, how i want to relate to it in the future.
Often, i get som kind of closure. Like, on the subject in the blog from yesterday, i came to the conclusion that i´ll just try not to interact with people that can´t play on my platform of communication, intimacy, creativity and truth. Plain and simple.
They´re left unbothered and i´m left unhurt.
If one day they get curious, brave, mature or generous enough to walk out on the path less chosen, knocking on my door saying “i understand now, lets talk for real”. Then it´s “playball” again.
But it´s not my issue to take care of or fix in the meantime.
I write it all in these blogs for myself to grow. Reflect. Digest and evolve. Not doing the same mistakes over again. Close useless gates. Highten the contrasts.
And of course; -i love the art of shaping my perception of the world through words, hopefully awakening the heart.
I also do it in public, trying to make shure that as many people as possible see and learn the real insides of me. My strengths and weaknesses. Victorys and defeats.
I don´t care. What freedom would i have as a person, if i put a lid on everything inside?
It´s just plain life passing by god damned! Like it does for all of us!
At least i stand up for every little corner of history or aspect of my personality, goor or bad.
There is no alternative. No hiding, no lying, no pretending. I´m good enough. I´m strong enough. I´m intelligent enough. I´m skilled enough. I´m caring enough. I know these things. So i won´t hide any of the details that formed or are forming my life.
I need people to know so they either avoid me or embrace me truthfully.
That is what standing up for yourself is all about.
Never thinking twice, worrying of what people say about you. Never bending, putting up a fasade.
A coward would never stand up for his right to be a truthful, complete and uncompromised human.
So i guess i am my own hero!
Do you all understand the freedom in doing so? Cutting the chains to the destructive sides of this societys communication codes? Like lies, manipulation, hidden agendas, posing or revenge?
I read a quote somwhere, that said “only the one prepared to lose everything can have it all”.
Beeing afraid to lose something makes you voulnerable. Gives you weak, attackable spots right? You hand out at weapon of manipulation to you enemies if you embrace a relation with vanity, greed, materialism and so forth.
If you break free from it, you can act freely, chosing by your own values without the approval of others, in any given moment of your life.
That is true freedom.
Well i can lose everything. But my kids. But they are only gaining from my personal development so i don´t see any problem in it for them. I´ts fun doing this!
And think of it, -these words will be around somewhere floating on servers in cyberspace as long as there is electricity in the world.
Long after i´m gone. For my children or grand grand children to read. They deserve to know who i truly was, not only what i accomplished.
(Makes me wanna shout out HI KIDS! hahaha)
(Mental note; write a personal blog for future generation Hallgrens to read.)
Well… the day is about to launch. I´m at it.
L8R
/Stefan
