Damn. I can´t stop my fingers. Can´t stop my mind from overprocessing every little detail today.
Restlesseness.
Consuming book after book. Went to the studio, wrote a song and recorded it in three hours flat. Still restless. Would like to write a book. Just finished reading an autobiography about Charles Bukowski. Took me three hours. Interesting man. To say the least.
Now what. *sigh*
I do not KNOW what´s the matter! Something is bugging me. I´m like a spastic squirrel on fast forward with his tail on fire for extra motivation. Imagine the hysterical velocity of that. We´re talking FAST.
So i´ll try the following: i´ll drink five gallons of Herb Tea with the name “Evening Peace” and see if that takes the edge of it. That specific tea is for old people with sleeping problems. Huh. (!) Well… cant get any worse i figure so i might as well try it.
The thought of writing a book is very tempting. I have a few options on themes/subjects:
1. “The Commandments of love”
This book would be a kick in the kidneys of the modern world and kind of an instructional “how to” for people on the subject of freeing themself from the numb chains of society to create a completly self-chosen, independent life. A rising of awearness. A book of faith and love. A book about beeing a human instead of just a consumer.
2. “The man that got up and walked away.”
This book would be a partially fictional/dramatized autobiography describing all the elements that formed me from childhood to be a selfdestructive idiot and egoistic, ignorant asshole for a period of 20 years of my life. It would be Bukowski-style. Naked, mercyless and completly revealing. But i think to many of my poor relatives would choke on it, and i want to spare my kids from it…for now. Still.. if i write it under a fictional flag, no one will ever know what´ts real in the story would they? Mooahahaha. 😀
3. “The book of the lost children.”
I have always wanted to give voice to the most powerless humans on earth. The children.
You ever thought about that? They are completly dependant on their parents doing the right thing. Completly dependant. We have the responsability to put our children before ur own dreams. Or at least to make shure that working towards our personal goals does not affect them in a negative way.
We shall not drink. We shall not do drugs. We shall not gamble etc. Why? Not because of religious reasons of course, but because we fuckup our children doing such things you moran!
Could there be a better reason to avoid it?
We shall not have carrieer ambitions that compromises our kids happiness or chances to develop into happy and stable adults.
If a kid goes bad, the parents are to blame. Always. It is our GOD DAMNED RESPONSABILITY to make shure they come first. That´s why we were born ourselves in the first place remember? To make shure our own children are safe, secure, loved and protected.
We piss on the world leaving it to them to clean it up. When i look at the world, and then into the innocent eyes of my 4-year old i almost start to cry from frustration. We are so busy fullfilling our own egoistic needs that we have no time or capacity to even help our kids through school. We are several generations of parents in the post-industrial society that are pissing on our kids and their future 24/7 in a very determent way i must say. Almost with a whistle on our lips. Ignorant. Egoistic.
We create the world through our kids! Not through marked growth, greed, politics or consumtion. Mark my words: If the society goes down, it will be my and my parents fault, and we must accept that we conciously chose to shape the world this way, fully awear of that we are leaving a heritage that will let our kids and their kids live in misery.
Feeling proud are we? Yes we ARE a failiure! 😀 You bet! With flying colors! Pat on the back! All we did for the past six decades was to make the world a living nightmare for nextcoming generations. That´s something cozy to think about on our deathbed right? Anyway, that´s what my third book idea would be about. To whip the asses of all generations from 1940 to 1980 including my own sorry one. We really did bad. And we should now take the stand for it and acknowledge it so the generations that follows get a chance to repair it for the future to come. We had our party. Now it´s time to pay the fiddler.
Dont´worry. This is one of my GOOD days! *laughing out loud* 😀
No, seriously, realizing the big picture is a scary trip. I will go on with my life and try to act upon my understandings the best i can. I can only heal myself and try my best to live my own agenda regarding my own kids from here on.
I think that will make me a very happy person. It is possible you know, to both understand and acknowledge these things described so brutally above, and at the same time live a constructive, loving, caring and happy life. It´s just that the ignorance and denial in the world that irritates me a great deal.
Now, for some herbal “Evening Peace-Tea”.
Shit i feel old tonight. Great challenges ahead.
love
/Stefan
