I have a lot of moral flaws i think. I´ve been a careless man, but at least very seldom has my flaws gotten consequenses for others. I´ve just been whipping my own ass along the way once in a while.
I have learned, that loyalty can be very fragile and rare, even from the closest of friends. Forgiveness and understanding even more uncommon. God it hurts to be betrayed.
I have never been in a fight in my whole life. Never.
I know now, that i am a person who never hurt another human if i can avoid it.
But if i am treated in a way i don´t deserve, i have also learned to protect myself.
Revenge is not my cup of tea. I have learned, that people who have done me wrong always create their own destruction eventually, in one way or another, without me having to do anything. It comes from karma i think.
It´s risky involving in others. You never know when they will blow up in your face.
I have been working hard the past few years, coming to terms with my values. To start with, i gave up alcohol. Nicotine is next. Then there is some dumping of minor bad habits, coming from all the old neuroses most people carry.
The thing is, that every new step i take, i can feel the effect almost immediatly. Knowing i´m on the right path. I hope to come to the point where i can forgive myself everything i couldn´t have done differently because of my heritage.
Anyway, it feels nice to know, that i have become a good father to my youngest kid. I have a inspiring job, so emotionally rewarding that it almost compensates for the fact that i´m almost always broke. LOL Almost.
People who knew me before i started working on myself don´t know me now, that´s for sure. I get to hear some rumours now and then reflecting ancient echoes of who i used to be and they are aways connected to qualities in me that i don´t recognize anymore.
Was i a workoholic? Womenizer? Heavy drinker?
Am i today?
The Pope has a wilder lifestyle than me these days! *lol*
I guess that some of the worse judgements about me was true in some senses…but a man is so much more complex and multidimensional.
The good qualities in me has always been there and have been the same from my childhood years. But then they got corrupted by circumstances of upbringing and eventually the bad forces of society planted the industrial cancer in my personality during my teens. Then of course, i was fucked, i had nowhere to run and no knowledge of an alternative way. Like most of us do, i just drifted along in the flow of shit and swam the best i could.
It takes time and hard work to break free again, returning to the true love and innocense of the uncorrupted heart.
It takes time to change second-hand impressions in people originating from rumours about yourself. Especially as the lifestyle i had earlier was a kind that would fit in gossip magazines. It hurts so much t be reminded of it sometimes.
That man i was does not live in me anymore. We divorced years ago.
“Values” was the subject. Ok, i have set some goals;
1. To treat myself, my mind and body, with care and love.
2. To treat all the people around me with care and love.
3. Not to be judgemental. To be tolerant and open.
4. To be generous, even if i don´t have much.
5. To forgive the ones who have done me wrong.
6. To improve as a parent and person in general.
7. Not to stop questioning the bad power.
8. To take responsalility for every wrong action i have done or may come to do to others.
9. To take responsability for everything i do in fact.
You think it´s a pretentious list? Yes it is. But… i leave it open for even more to come.
It´s the list of love. The list of life. The secret of coming to terms with yourself and letting go.
I got so tired of the world, that i finally descided that if i can´t change my surroundings, i can always change myself.
Then i can take comfort in knowing that i do not add to, or participate in the shit of the world anymore.
That´s all for tonight. Tomorrow will be a wonderful day with my oldest son and my daughter.
We´re going on a go-cart race!
Life is good.
Now fuck ya all and goodnight. 😀